Like a lot of cinematically inclined people (aka 'movie nerds'), I've been lamenting not only the number of remakes Hollywood has been churning out lately, but also that they only seem to remake movies either so good they should be left as is or so bad they should have never been made even once let alone twice. Though there are some exceptions.

Anyway, I was doing searches on remakes to see what all was in the works for the later half of the 2000s and I found a plethora of movies from all three groups -- "hmm, that could be good", "blasphemer!!!" and "...how much dope did you smoke?" Ultimately though, the key word here is 'plethora'. And so, for those of you who are still undecided as to whether Hollywood has become a remake machine gone nuts, this post (and probably more to follow) is myself making my case.

1984: If there has been any time that this novel *needed* to be made into a movie, it's now. On the other hand there have already been three screen adaptations ranging from good to superb and I have to wonder if it can be done a fourth time. Second of all, Tim Robbins has written the script and if the project gets off the ground he'll be directing and producing as well and this has me worried. Granted, he did a great job with Dead Man Walking, however, in the 11 years that have passed since that movie, his political stance has drifted so far to the left that he's not even really a liberal anymore. For example, he's been quoted as saying his motivation behind the project is that we now live in the world of 1984 and that the story has become nonfiction. Okay, things are bad, but we've yet to be reduced to Proles suppressing our deepest feelings and desires with Victory Gin in order to avoid being tortured by the Thought Police.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: This one is also ripe for a remake, but instead of enhancing it with all the 21st century special effects, they'll probably go nuts and gloss over all the meaningful material and just turn it into an on-screen amusement park ride.

Adventures in Babysitting: I suppose they could hook the 13-17 demographic with this, but other than that I'm clueless as to why they would resurrect such a silly, mediocre project. I was 10 when the original came out and even then I thought it was pretty childish.

Are We Done Yet?: This is a remake of the Cary Grant/Myrna Loy classic, Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. In fact, they were going to keep the name until it was revamped to also be a sequel to Ice Cube's Are We There Yet. Which is why it's going to blow. I wish Ice Cube would stick to stuff like Three Kings, Friday and Barbershop.

Back to School: Yeah, this is a remake of the Rodney Dangerfield movie from the 80s. The original was kind of dumb and I can't see how it can be made any better. Especially because Cedric the Entertainer is going to take over Dangerfield's role. I like Cedric, but after he did that utter piece of shit remake of The Honeymooners you'd think he would have been banned from doing anymore remakes. Or at least have the common sense to avoid them.

The Birds: Dear, Hollywood... first of all, fuck off with the horror remakes. Secondly, and more importantly, hands off the Hitchcock classics. Look at the sequels to and the shot-by-shot remake of Psycho for all the evidence that is required to prove that you're pissing up the wrong flagpole.

Black Christmas: Another 70s horror movie remake that will be average at best. Be prepared to see a lot of these in this list. Be extra prepared for snotty remarks from moi.

The Blob: Yeah, they remade this in the 1980s and it was a piece of shit. Mostly because the blob was inexplicably rewritten as a military project gone awry instead of a malignant alien material. Oh well, Hollywood is hell bent on remaking every single old horror movie, so what're you gonna do.

Cabaret: I wonder who they have in mind, because I can't think of anyone who would come close to filling Liza Minelli's shoes on this one. Also what is it about movies like Little Man, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift and RV topping the American box office that makes Hollywood think the kids are just itching to see a musical about the demise of the Weimar Republic during the rise of Nazism?

Casino Royale: For the last fucking time: IT'S NOT A REMAKE. I keep seeing this classified as such even though the original movie was a *parody* of the Ian Fleming novel whereas this new project is a true adaptation of the novel and an official entry int he James Bond franchise.

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things: This is a forgotten zombie movie that was forgotten for a reason -- it was about as clever as an electric bathtub. After the success of Night of the Living Dead in 1968, horror cinema slipped back into the dark ages and virtually nothing but garbage zombie flics were churned out until The Exorcist was released in 1973 and transformed the genre. This is a remake of one of those garbage zombie flics. Basically, what's happening here is that now that Hollywood has gone back and made inferior remakes of 70s horror classics like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Omen, and Carrie as well as their competition like The Hills Have Eyes, When a Stranger Calls, and The Amityville Horror, they're scraping the bottom of the barrel and remaking the rejects of the same period.

The Crazies: Yet, *another* 70s horror movie remake. However... the original was put together by zombie legend George A. Romero (who did all the original Night/Dawn/Day of the Dead movies) and it didn't do all that well at the time because it was underdeveloped. The story basically is about a biological warfare agent that either kills its victims or drives them into an insane rage and how the military accidentally lets it get lose in a small, rural town. Ultimately, I think it it has potential because biological weapons are increasingly relevant to the times we live in and, more importantly, the undeveloped original could be built upon and shaped into the movie it always should have been.

Creature from the Black Lagoon: Just what the title says. This was the one monster movie (e.g. Dracula, </i>Frankenstein</i>, The Mummy, etc.) that I thought they *couldn't* remake because it's so freakin' silly.

Day of the Dead: Well, the Dawn of the Dead remake was pretty darn good (I preferred 28 Days Later, but still) so you'd think they'd be able to pull it off again. What worries me is the case. Right now the rumor is that they're casting people who were in Drumline or You Got Served or one of those utter shitball youth movies from the last several years. Also Eminem is supposedly in negotiations for one of the lead roles.

Death Race 3000: If you've ever seen Death Race 2000 you're probably baffled right now because that movie's only claim to fame is that a) it's so friggin' terrible it's hilarious and b) it features a pre-Rocky Sylvester Stallone in one of the lead roles. However, the remake isn't capitalizing on the laughable insanity and they're actually going to try and make this a legitimate action movie about the "death race" -- a cross-country car race where points are accumulated by killing pedestrians. Plus Paul W.S. Anderson is in charge of the project and after he did those pointless adaptations of the video games Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil and then took over 15 years of development on the Alien vs. Predator project and flushed it down the toilet, I don't trust that guy as far as I can throw him. On the other hand he did Event Horizon which I love despite it's flaws so I have *some* hope.

The Dirty Dozen: This has potential if they updated it to take place during Desert Storm or the "War on Terror". Even Vietnam might be interesting, but I doubt they'll go that route. The real problem here involves finding a cast that can even hold a candle to the original -- Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Telly Savalas, John Cassavetes, Donald Sutherland, Ernest Borgnine....you get the idea.

Don't Look Now: I actually haven't formed an opinion on this because I haven't seen the original. Still though, yet *another* friggin' 70s horror remake.

Easy Rider: All I know about this is that Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda are not being included in this production (despite the fact that they're 100% responsible for the original) and that they're *really pissed* about it (and rightfully so). Plus the rumor is that the new one will be about two guys cruising around 21st century America on superbikes (picture the movie Torque) while hopped up on Ecstasy and other club drugs. I hope whichever studio is behind this movie ends up bankrupting themselves by producing it.

Evil Dead: I'm not sure how to feel about this one. The original sucked b/c it was intended to be taken seriously (unlike the sequel and Army of Darkness), so hopefully they're going to go back and recreate it with the intention of being funny. If they go that route I think it'll be solid because even though Bruce Cambell isn't starring, he'll be producing, and the writer of the three original movies, Sam Raimi, will be returning to write this one as well.

Fahrenheit 451: This has been in development hell for so many years now that I doubt it'll ever get made. For awhile there Mel Gibson was going to do it. However, the word is that Frank Darabont, the guy who wrote and directed both The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, is officially in charge. If it finally gets made I think it'll be at least better than the original (which, while an honorable attempt, was ultimately a disaster), but I'm not sure this book could ever be successfully adapted for the screen.

Flash Gordon: That's right, All-American football player Flash Gordon and the beautiful Dale Arden are transported via crazy Dr. Zarkov's rocketship to the planet Mongo, where they join a resistance movement and overthrow the planet's evil tyrant, Ming the Merciless. Yeah, no thanks, I think I'll stick with Flesh Gordon which at least has a premise that involves redeemable subject matter -- i.e. porno.

The Flash: Warner Brothers latest attempt to capitalize on the superhero genre that won't die. Oh well, it can't be an gheyer than Spiderman....or can it?

Flicka: The original (My Friend Flicka) was a decent western about a farm boy so frustrated with the lack of relationship with his father that he becomes directionless and irresponsible. His father decides to give him a horse (Flicka) to care for in order to get him on track and as the boy's relationship evolves with the horse he also becomes closer with his dad. In the new movie the boy is replaced with a girl. That's totally cool, especially because I really like the actress playing the girl (Alison Lohman from White Oleander and Matchstick Men) and I hear she's the best part of the movie. However, Hollywood apparently now equates 'western' with 'country' because the father is played by Country/Western star Tim McGraw. Oh well, better git yer six shooter, Jessup -- it's time to send ol' Flicka to tha glue factory.

The Fly: This one has 'clusterfuck' written all over it. For starters, I don't see how this could be modernized any further than the Jeff Goldblum remake from the 80s. About all they could do is use a lot of fancy CGI and that's never a good reason to make a movie. Second of all, the guy writing and directing it is a total unknown 29yo from Oklahoma with no resume whatsoever. And finally, unlike the previous films, the scientist *intentionally* mixes his DNA with that of a fly instead of it occurring by accident during his teleportation experiments! How fucking retarded and unimaginable is that?!

Footloose: Screw loose. 'Nuff said.

Foxy Brown: Well, considering the Shaft remake was a lukewarm turd that was completely unfaithful to the spirit of the Blaxploitation genre, why would Foxy Brown be any different? Especially because I hear that Beyoncé Knowles is going to replace Pam Grier in the title role. Uhm, hey, Beyoncé? Yeah... just because you played Foxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers: Goldmember doesn't mean you can play the real Foxy Brown. M'kay? M'kay.

Friday the 13th: Well, I guess this is a sign that now Hollywood is running out of 70s horror flics to remake and so they're moving into the 80s. After *NINE* sequels that failed horribly, you'd think they'd get the message to stop beating a dead horse. Oh well, maybe a reboot is just what this franchise needs.

The Green Hornet: Another attempt to capitalize on the superhero genre. This one has actually been in the works since sometime in the 90s after Batman brought the genre back to life, but it just never gets made. In fact, it looks to be dead for good because I can't even find it mentioned in the rumor mills anymore.

The Grudge 2: Well, they remade The Grudge, Ring, Ring 2, Pulse, Dark Water and virtually every other product of new wave Japanese horror so why not this one. As usual, I'm sure the original will be better, but I have to say that so far all the American versions have been all been decent and The Ring was downright excellent.

Hairspray: Okay, the original starred Rikki Lake in full blimp mode with her mother and father being played by Divine (one of the only full-time drag queens to make it in show business) and Jerry Stiller respectively as well as co-starring Sonny Bono and Debbie Harry....and then directed by John Waters on top of that! Hollywood, you can't reproduce this, don't even try. Though I have to admit the casting for the new movie is pretty bizarre in it's own right -- Billy Crystal is playing the father and -- get this -- John Travolta is going into drag to play the mother. In the end though, the other significant roles aren't filled by anyone all that impressive (some of them are nobodies) and the guy directing it has done mostly crap like Cheaper By the Dozen 2, The Pacifier and The Wedding Planner. However, his forte is choreography which certainly will be important in Hairspray what with all the dancing.

Halloween: Everything that I said for Friday the 13th applies here too. This one is especially annoying b/c there were no plans to remake it until the Friday the 13th remake was greenlighted by New Line and then Dimension felt they had to churn out a new Halloween to compete at the box office. On the upside, Rob Zombie is writing and directing this. On the down side Rob Zombie is still a novice when it comes to filmmaking.

He-Man: Considering it royally sucked the first time around with Dolph Lundrgen in the title role and, at this late date, kids don't even know who He-Man is anymore, I believe the proper reaction here is: "what the fuck?!" Seriously, how much dope smokage was involved in the decision to greenlight this?

The Hitcher: Yet another horror remake -- but wait! It's not from the 70s! It's from.. oh, never mind, it's from 1986. Same difference at this point. This one is being made by the same douchenozzles who did the recent remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror. Translation? Moviegoers, get ready to suck it.

The Howling: Same gig as Friday the 13th and Halloween. On the other hand, the Howling movies never impressed me that much (even the original) and so maybe a fresh start could make this particular spin on the werewolf genre finally take off.

I Dream of Jeannie: The studio that owns the rights to the TV show saw the Bewitched remake and said "If they can do, so can we." At least that was the story a year ago. Since Bewitched essentially floundered, the studio handling Jeannie has put it on indefinite hold.

The Incredible Shrinking Man: This was a cool old-school horror flic in the context of the 1950s (when it was released) because of all the giant props and trick photography used to create the illusion that the main character was actually small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. However, with the advent of CGI I can't see this being anything more than Honey I Shrunk the Kids without the comedy and family atmosphere. I.e. been there, done that.

Into the Mirror: Another Japanese horror remake. (see The Grudge 2)

It's Alive: Another 70s horror remake -- and that's the good news. The bad news is that this was the first of several movies in a horror subgenre that featured mutated infants prone to murder and other violent psychopathic behavior. Yeah, sounds like a real hoot doesn't it? And oh-so-ripe for a remake. </sarcasm>

Journey to the Center of the Earth: This could be cool. Except it's going to be 3D and I think reviving that gimmick is perhaps the dumbest move that 21st century Hollywood has made yet. Case in point: Spy Kids 3D.

Land of the Lost: Remake of the TV series about a family transported back in time and marooned in the Mesozoic Era. Basically it's Lost in Space with dinosaurs. If you ever accidentally come across reruns of this show during the dead hours on Sci-Fi Channel then you know how supremely bad this show was.

Macbeth: There have already been *eight* (!) remakes of Macbeth since 2000 (and dozens more during the previous century of film) so do we really need another? If Kenneth Branagh was behind this -- and he isn't -- I wouldn't be surprised because he's bound to remake every Shakespeare film before he retires from filmmaking. The guy who *is* making it has only directed two films during his fourteen year career including a 15 minute parody of Hamlet. I just don't see how he can be remotely qualified. In addition he plans to do modernize the story like Baz Luhrmann did with Romeo + Juliet which I think just reeks with disaster because Luhrmann's R+J experiment did *not* go over well with a lot of people (I wasn't one of them, but still, I'm well aware that a lot of people hate that movie.) On the other hand, the director began his career at the performing arts high school here in Cincinnati so deep down I feel some kinship for the guy and hope he pulls it off.

Mary Poppins: Apparently Steven Spielberg really wants to make this with Queen Latifah in the title role and he's more interested in doing it than Indiana Jones 4. If it weren't for Munich and him producing Jurassic Park IV, Transformers, Lincoln and When World Collide I think I'd have to mail him an envelope of white powder.


Well, that's 'A' through 'L' (and a bit of 'M'). Maybe I'll do the rest this weekend or something. Of course I said the same thing about the baby names list and I've yet to finish that. I'm working on that too though.

emotional coordinates	|	sleepy
tunes brewing	|	Dave Chappelle - For What It's Worth